Last week's episode felt like a lot of setting up for the next three to come. It was a yawn festival, in short. There was nothing terribly interesting to me besides Russell's AWESOME news flash. It's moments like that which make me love True Blood. I was totes excited for this week. Time to throw it down, right? Well, things were thrown, and there were definitely a bunch of "FINALLY!!!" moments. However, in my opinion, most of them were more than slightly disappointing. We finally got the carrot they were dangling and it turns out to be just a carrot... Or something. Anyway.
It seems to me that, at least lately, True Blood has been trying to top itself over and over for how ridiculous and awesome it can be. Some kind of sick neck-twisting, jaw-dropping, shock-inspiring game. It also seems to me that in the past few episodes, there have been clear winners of the episodes. Last week's winner was Russell. Who can follow that? Let's see.
"Finally!!!" moment numero uno. We know what Sookie is!:
"I'm a fairy? How fucking lame!"
I couldn't have said it better myself, Sookie. For over two years now we have known that Sookie is something more than human. She reads minds and has microwave finger powers. You tell us she's a FAIRY?! Like Tinkerbell?! This better get more bad-ass and I mean like now. If either Sookie or Bill take another trip to Fairy land gardens where the clouds are oh-so-fluffy and the air smells like warm root beer, I WILL throw up. Oh, also, fairies are vampire heroin! Vampires were all over fairies like fat kids on cake until they ate them all up. I guess that make a little bit of sense. More sense than Sookie having beer-flavored nipples, anyway. Queen wants her so that she can hang out in the sun, blah blah. That's what this has been about? Sookie's blood is special and vampires want it bad. Okay, fine. For her reaction to the answer of one of the biggest mysteries on the show, Sookie scores: 1
Goddammit, Bill Compton, you wipe that smirk off your face or so help me!
This face, right here, is one of the main reasons I hate Bill. He should start a company called "Condescension, Inc." He may as well be saying "Let me break down the history of vampires and fairies in terms you can understand, darling". For a lot of reasons, I don't understand how Sookie can stay with this man. His total lack of respect for her intellect is definitely the one that pisses me off the most. I mean, I understand that the nature of a human/vampire relationship isn't exactly going to be healthy. However, Bill being a condescending jerk wad is not a result of his vampire state. At least Eric doesn't underestimate her. Bill is a pig, score: -1
What is it, Tara? Do you want him to dig or take shit to the car?!
If I took a drink every time Tara cried, I'd be sloshed by the middle of almost every episode this season. I was very sorry to see Franklin die, but I understand why he had to go. As a result of his psychopathic tendencies, Tara is even MORE fucked up! Cool, so now she has even more shit that she is totally unable to deal with. Aww Jason, I feel for you and your traumatic violent flashbacks. Come over to my house and we can talk about it over a pint... And Tara, great job covering up the scene of the crime. I totally couldn't tell there was a huge puddle of vampire goo once you kicked some dust over it. No one will ever know. Disturbed side of Jason scores: 1, Tara is an emotional basket-case yet again scores: -1
Sam owns another shirt besides that plaid thing?
So, I realize that this season almost every character is dealing with their past demons. But SAM?! Does he need any more demons than he already had? The shitty adopted parents and then the shitty real parents? The maenad?! Shit, Sam! I thought he had already filled his damage quota... apparently not. I thought he bought Merlotte's with the $100,000 he swiped from MaryAnne! Apparently not. Apparently he needed to exploit his shifter skills to go robbing people of their ridiculous jewelry. And who is that blonde skeez?! Shame on you for not knowing better Sam, score: -1
Yeah, we get it. Everyone walks all over Sam Merlotte. He's mad as hell and he's not gonna take it anymore!
I understand your violent outburst maybe slightly better now. Score: 1
The misery train's a comin'. All aboard.
I swear to God, Sam, if you don't stop this self-destructive bullshit soon you're going to be as dead to me as Tara. Pick yourself up by your cowboy bootstraps and DEAL WITH IT. That's why you were so great! You're good at coping with the shit of life that the fan of destiny sprays at you! Get back on the wagon, you're way sexier when you're the normal one. Because I want to believe this is the last time you're going to stuff your miseries into a bottle, score: 1
Again with the face.
Do you see?! It seems to say all at once, "I know better than you so I am going to be patient and try to explain the complicated adult world of supernatural bullshit. Also, you are fragile and need to be protected, Bella. I mean Sookie. Shit, forget I said that" Score: -1
Oh Yvetta... don't you know anything about vampires?
LOLz at Yvetta thinking Eric was going to leave her an inheritance. Bitch be trippin'! Why is she still here? Oh right, to show us that Eric can be a real asshole who has no feelings for humans, even sexy ones, and to warn us that we shouldn't fall too much in love with him because he's a lying piece of scum. Is it going to work? Prolly not. Is Eric still wearing that black tank top? Hell yeah! Czech set down scores Eric: 1
Eric is scared. Pam is hott.
I know I am not the only hetero lady out there with a huuuuuge girl crush on Pam. She's hot, she has the best clothes (and pumps), and she is, for all intents and purposes, Eric's better half. I realize that Eric signing his assets over to Pam should be getting the message through to us that he thinks he's really going to meet the "true death". I was too busy checking out Pam's outfit to comprehend. Oh yeah, and we already know that Eric is shitting himself. I would be too. Eric and Pam panicking about this whole Russell-coming-to-get-him thing is definitely cause for alarm. However, this scene with the will signing was slightly forced for my taste, and definitely not the best acting on the show. Pam's skirt, score: 1, Redundant and overused scores Eric: -1
Guys, stop it! Don't fight over meeee...
Sookie does her best impression of Quinn from MTV's "Daria" and interrupts the boys who will be boys. Bill earns some cred from his quips, "You should know, since you're now [Russell's] butt boy" and "That's why he went medieval on TV". Sopie Anne sent Bill after Sookie in the first place. Who's surprised? I believe we will hear the rest of the story very soon. I hope Sookie does too. Bill using the vernacular scores him: 1, Eric wishes Sookie "the best" and scores himself: 1
Oh Summer... put 'em away.
Summer is so... silly. She's so overkill it's kindof awesome. Calling Hoyt "bear" and the dolls and the antiquing and the small minded comments she continually makes about Jessica and vampires in general. So great! I was hella embarassed for her in this scene. I hope Hoyt came up with something better than, "It's not you, it's me". Girl deserves herself someone who appreciates her biscuits. Summer has a cute bra, score: 1, Hoyt is a gentleman, score: 1
OMG I LOVE TERRY
Arlene joins everyone else in Bon Temps who has haunted pasts. Arlene's struggle, however, is slightly more legit. The father of her unborn child was a serial killer! He killed people she knows! It's not just stuffed in her past, it's happening... to her... talk about coming back to haunt you. And then Terry, the white knight, wants to marry her anyway and raise the kid as his own and surround it with love! AAAH! He's soo good! Arlene really does have the best man in the world. While her worries about her baby being evil are totally irrational, they fit with the superstitious nature of her character. And she doesn't take her worries out on others violently or emotionally. I am glad to see Arlene being developed. I just hope whatever comes of her association with "the Wiccan" Holly doesn't suck. Arlene makes sense, score: 1, Terry really IS amazing, score: 2
"Finally!!!" moment number 2: Tara and Jason kiss
So glad this finally happened, even if Tara was crying and Jason was confused. It seemed the natural thing to happen at that point. Even if it was kind of a, "that's it?" moment as well. It would have been waaaay worse if they'd had sex and then Jason told Tara that he was the one who shot Eggs. Big ups to Jason for pulling it together and setting Tara straight. It was a touching scene, even if Tara was in it. Jason keeps it in his pants for once, score: 1, Tara should have developed Stockholm syndrome and I'm still mad at her, score: -1
Aww, Jessica already thinks she's evil enough.
I don't think this bodes well for Jessica and Hoyt, friends. She already has ex-Jesus lover complex and thinks her soul is damned and she's not good enough for Hoyt. Now this? What next, pig's blood poured over her on prom night?! Poor Carrie Jessica. Bill keeps Jessica from tracking the douchebags, scores himself: 1, Jessica gets fuel added to her firey pit of Hell, score: 1
Blah blah dark past blah.
Naked Sam, score: 1
"Finally!!" moment 3: Non-dreaming makeout for Eric and Sookie.
Well, damn. That was all I wanted, and it took them long enough! Well, actually, I want a lot more, but I think we're moving in the right direction here. "Forces beyond my control" from Eric probably equals emotional response of any kind. "If I don't at least kiss you before I meet the true death, Sookie Stackhouse..." maybe a little cheesy, but it would have worked on me too. Way to kiss him back, Sook! At least now she knows what she's been missing. Pam interrupts with the most hilarious line EVAR, "Blah blah vampire emergency blah". Pretty much sums up every interruption scene in every episode to date. Way to go Pam! score: 2 Makeout Squee! factor: 7/10, scores Eric and Sookie: 1/ea
Hoyt on vampire blood = something to look forward to next week.
Tommy is a violent d-bag, we know. Why did you need to be in dog form, Tommy? Afraid you couldn't handle the Hoyt-inator? Whutevz. Jessica to the rescue with her miracle elixir! Now she and Hoyt will be close in a whole new way that she probably knows nothing about, thanks to Bill the crappy maker! Hooray! Hopefully Hoyt's V-trip is as much fun as Jesus and Lafayette's. Anticipation of the aftermath earns Jessica, score: 1
How dare you, Bill Compton? Jason's in the right.
What, Bill's getting mad at people irrationally? Weird. Oh wait, that's what he does best. Sookie is Jason's SISTER! He's known her a little longer and is definitely more connected to her than you are, Vampire Bill. Fuck off! Storming into Jason's house and yelling at him like an errant child... how dare you, Bill Compton? Major LOLz at Jason rescinding Bill's invitation into his house. Why haven't we seen that yet? Hilar. Bill waves his douchey flag, score: -1, Jason stands up for himself and throws Bill out, score: 2
Crystal's a cat. Whutevz.
This is a half-hearted "Finally!!" moment, because I just do not care about Crystal or her fucked up family. Her back story is trite and boring. Yawn, yawn, eyeroll, yawn. What the hell does she have over Jason? She's a liar and waaaay more trouble than she's worth. Were-panther? Bitch, please. Also, I am anticipating that her emancipation from the meth lab run by kitties is going to turn her into a Stage-5 clinger. Meow. This was hardly enlightening, Crystal, score: -1, Jason's "Momma" reaction, score: 1
Russel: "I wanted to kill Talbot myself"
In his current psychopathic state, I am sure that spending some "quality time" with a prostitute while calling him by his dead lover's name and then killing him made perfect sense to Russell. Which was why this was so great! Talk about a need for closure! Lesson learned: never whore yourself out to a vampire. Russell is not happy, score: 2
LOLZ. Sookie...
Well it certainly looks like Eric has thought of a use for Sookie as per Pam's suggestion. Wonder what it could be! The shot of him walking out of the Fangtasia basement after having chained up Sookie was LOLz. Way to dig yourself deeper, Eric. I hope you didn't ruin it for long! Bill's Sookie-sense was tingling, so she prolly won't be stuck down there for long. Where are you microwave fingers now, girl?! Eric has the most creative solutions, score: 2
The FINAL SCORE:
Jason with 5 points this week, is the winner of the episode! Well deserved, Jason. You shocked us by breaking your usual "whatever's easiest" policy, not playing dumb and manning up. Thank you for not taking advantage of Tara.
Runners up:
Eric: 4
Pam: 3
Sam: 3
Sookie: 2
Jessica: 2
Terry: 2
Russell: 2
Arlene: 1
Hoyt: 1
Summer: 1
Bill: -1
Tara: -2
This episode was certainly better than last week's set-up o'rama. Down to the wire time! What will Eric do with Sookie?! When will Russell strike?! Will Bill stop being a jackass?! Will Tara ever stop crying?! For answers to these questions and more, tune into True Blood, Sundays at 9pm on HBO.
